Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.