Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

   My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.

   Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs

   It's Thanksgiving. Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead.

   I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

   I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   You had me at "tubes tied"

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station*

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.