Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   thinks its time to clean out the handbag, I just put it on the passenger seat of my car and the seat belt light came on!

   wishes he could delete people in real life as fast as he can his facebook friends.

   When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!

   When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.