Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   "AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ...

   if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing.

   Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH.

   There are times where you really do feel sorry for Squidward.