Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   I also refuse to turn the beat around........

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.