Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my a$$!!

   I'm gonna show up for work with a skip on my step, ans a huge smile on my face. USA! USA! USA!

   Bachelors degree made possible by adderall

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   The fact that you continue to speak ,although I informed you I'm not listening, puzzles me.