Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   I make mistakes to further my education.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!

   MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .

   Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?

   Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Do our elected officials even know what their Job Description is? I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ignoring and trashing the Constitution!