Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.

   I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.