Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.