Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Don't get me wrong, I totally hear what you're saying, I just don't give a d*mn.

   Please irritate me. I would LOVE to see how badly it ends for you. ;)

   No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money.

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...