Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic