Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather SH!T in my hands and clap!"

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."