Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   it just me? Or are the three finalists at the end of Funniest Home Videos never the funniest?

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)