Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   hates leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

   I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

   Has always wondered why The Muppets had large protruding eyes. Then she realized that if she had a hand up her ass, her eyes would protrude too.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   Remember the days when you would leave for work, and say goodbye to your spouse, lover or partner, knowing you probably wouldn't talk to them until you got home from work? No cellphones, emails, texting, facebook, blah, blah! Man, though were the days...

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.

   Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?

   Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex

   If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.