Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.

   Apparently there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   thinks life is unfair. So many rules; so little time to break them....

   doesn't want to brag or make anybody jealous . . . but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!

   It's that time of year again when I don't need the refrigerator to keep the beer cold.

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.

   [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".