Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

   It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo