Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.