Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?

   figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word

   One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.

   What doesn't kill you makes you slower. -Ancient Zombie Wisdom

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.