Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!

   The distance between my being overwhelmed with happiness and wondering when it will all fall apart is precisely seventeen seconds.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.

   Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   :): The Bipolar smiley face

   the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am

   whoever just posted these last few statuses is a complete IDIOT!!

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"