Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".

   Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser

   Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.

   Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

   Good things come to those who wait. Well.. except for the people on death row.

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand!

   If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.

   We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.

   Carlos Santana must be relieved that his look-alike Gadaffi is gone.

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego