Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.

   So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.