Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   when you're in a hole, it's best to stop digging

   I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that, cuz I'm modest.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."