Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   Because of The Hangover, the way I say "retard" has forever been changed...

   My Dad took the "how horny are you ? " test. the result was "very horny" and my mom clicked the like button. - I'm so not sleeping at home tonight...

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence :)

   It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   All I know is- If you let a month go by without reporting your missing child, then you are guilty of something.

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.

   just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 25 miles of your zip code, check it out!! www.eharmony.com

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   Did I study? Nah. Did I buy a fancy pencil? You better beleive it.

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.