Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   how many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare, just so you can roll over and punch them in the head

   May the blessings of the new year pass me by and find someone less fortunate. My life is not perfect but I have no reason to complain. I am lucky to have what I have.

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   Snooki's due date is December 21st, 2012. Well played, Mayans...well played.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   I was voted most likely to travel back in time by the class of 2047

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.