Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.

   We could do this the easy way, or we could get married.

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.

   Yes facebook... I'm sure I want to remove this event.

   I haven't been able to stop crying since that stranger on the internet said that they didn't like me...

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   I wish a girl with fake eyebrows would argue with me, I would lick my Thumb so Fast!