Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Meaningless statistics are up 17% today

   People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes