Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does this comic book collection make me look single?

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   Meaningless statistics are up 17% today

   People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes

   Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?

   I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.