Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   Would delete you, if I didnt have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.

   Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader

   I have decided that I am not overwieght, instead I am a nutritional overachiever.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   Something went wrong. We're working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try again. <--- Facebook's new slogan

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.