Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key

   Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once

   If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   Canada gave the world Justin Beiber. As a canadian, I just wanna say sorry everybody. Our bad. No need to retaliate with nukes or anything.

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends

   One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?