Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

   Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!

   trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.

   Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow.. They just moved the school and made us walk further..

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.