Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

   Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!

   trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.

   Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow.. They just moved the school and made us walk further..

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   Come to think of it, I've never seen a KFC or McDonalds under construction. They just show up!

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.

   Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????