Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   It's almost tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   This world is coming to an end.. Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber..

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   I like to title my documents "The World" so I can feel great when I click Save

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   As I, once again, found myself glued to the riveting action of Olympic Curling, I couldn't help but see a missed advertising opportunity. Swiffer WetJet should be sponsoring the hell out of this event.

   I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.

   What is love? I don't even want an answer. I'm just ecstatic knowing that at least 90% of you thought "Baby, don't hurt me."

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed

   Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

   had lucky charms for breakfest. I take this day very seriously."

   Copy and paste this as ur status, send it to 3 people in 10 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! It works! Ive done it twice and both times nothing happened!

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   Saw a magazine with two girls on it from the show Teen Mom that said "Teen Mom Ruined my life" REALLY?? I supposed the fact that you couldn't keep your panties on in the first place had NOTHING to do with it?

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.