Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Here's a list of nine bands Stevie Wonder has seen and One that's fake..see if you can guess. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.Blind Melon 9. 10.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option?

   According to my neighbor's rooster this morning it was 5am. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

   Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!

   When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"

   When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.

   Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.

   How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands

   In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.

   Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.