Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   I wonder if that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?"

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...

   I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   "Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   They should really considered remaking "Back To The Future 2" where there aren't any flying cars. And people just stare at their phones all day getting easily offended to everything they read....

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."