Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.