Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.