Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   read that Toyota is asking all Prius owners to return cars to the dealerships as slowly as they possibly can.

   If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.