Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…