Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.

   This game is making me hungry for Omaha steaks

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   Bruce Jenner looks like a FREAK ! Damn Dude, enough with the plastic surgery and hair implants...just grow old gracefully!

   ben rothlisberger's suspension reduced to 4 games ..he is going to celebrate tonioght at a sorority party!

   I'm determined to conquer every obstacle, and make impossible possible. Even when winning is illogical, losing is still far from optional.

   off slapping people with pickles

   If only you knew what I was capable of...

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   Sometimes "dressing for the job you want" is referred to as "impersonating an officer".

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   Urban Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

   I play farmville and cafe world on facebook. Does that mean I have to file self employed on my taxes?

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   I am so against picketing, I just don't know how to show it