Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. I promise not to call you Shirley.

   says, "If you want something in life, you have to work hard for it... Now shut up! They're about to announce the winning lottery numbers!"

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world....

   Women always say 'all men want is sex' ....that's a lie. They want head too.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   Life's too short to wake up in a bad mood- I save mine until I get to work.

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?

   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.