Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.

   She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.