Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends' profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I'm jelly" "sexy much?!"

   If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.

   Lady GAGA was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she's at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny's Grand Slam.

   "Just kidding" is just an excuse to not get in trouble for something that you really wanted to say all along.

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

   I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."

   I'm not that vain, but that song is about me.

   Before you get married try walking with your partner through IKEA. If you don't end up in an argument, you're good to go.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Life is too short for regrets, so after mortally wounding your enemies, learn to forgive yourself and move on

   Noticed this morning that I have the body of a Greek GOD! Old, obsolete, and something that no one is interested in anymore.

   My uncle once told me, believe in yourself, work hard, and try not to have sex with other peoples wifes

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   Roses are red Violets are blue Friend Requests are great But who the f#$k are you?