Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP! 
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.
The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.
women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?
My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.
black lives matter on or off this week?
On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.
Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood
Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.
Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.
Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....
hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that
There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.
"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.
Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...
Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar. 