Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.

   I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   Starbucks is a terrible place to meet women. Everytime you buy them a drink they get more and more...alert......and talkative.

   I see they now have wedding dresses made completely out of toilet paper. Well, at least you'll be prepared when your marriage turns to $**t.

   pretty soon, Americans are going to be e-mailing Nigerians about depositing money electronically...

   Red cups..helping the youth get their buzz on for over 30 years

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what someone said?

   Happy Easter to all of my Chicks and Peeps!

   45. People who call with blocked numbers deserve to not get answered!

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.