Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   Starbucks is a terrible place to meet women. Everytime you buy them a drink they get more and more...alert......and talkative.

   I see they now have wedding dresses made completely out of toilet paper. Well, at least you'll be prepared when your marriage turns to $**t.

   pretty soon, Americans are going to be e-mailing Nigerians about depositing money electronically...

   Red cups..helping the youth get their buzz on for over 30 years

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what someone said?

   Happy Easter to all of my Chicks and Peeps!

   45. People who call with blocked numbers deserve to not get answered!

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   when will people understand. "i can't hear you while I'm chewing my doritos!"

   Time for some night time sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC