Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the F*CK am I?"

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!