Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   To many Generals are taking orders from their privates

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!