Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.