Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   "Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

   confused.His left part of his brain has nothing right in it and the right part of his brain has nothing left in it

   If you can read this, chances are you won't be recieving a gift from me this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

   Captains log,Stardate 3.1415926535 I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.

   It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.

   I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer

   Okay... If we get caught, pretend we don't speak English!

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?