Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   No matter how many times I watch Titanic I'm 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

   Like a good neighbor, stay over there

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.