Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   No matter how many times I watch Titanic I'm 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

   Like a good neighbor, stay over there

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   wondering if the US Government gets the irony of trying to pass laws that limits their own citizens access on the internet whilst at the same time criticizing the governments of China & Iran for doing the same thing.

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.