Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.

   Miley Cyrus can't stop, but she really should.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called two faced, its called growing up

   gotta check the mail box but I'm standing at the door naked thinking I can make it and back witout being caught....he goes nothing..really

   No more wasting time with feeling sorry for myself; no more depression; time to rise up and fight back!

   It's alright, he's only choking!

   Okay so who really has the boardwalk piece from McDonalds??

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   I must be some kind of food magician because every time I bite into a hard shelled taco I instantly have a hand full of nacho's.

   I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   Friends don't let friends wear mullets.

   busy cleaning the now-orange keyboard thanks to cheetos!

   It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the wine, or any other reason.”

   The difference between a sin and shame; It is a sin to put it in; It is a shame to pull it out!

   just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**! (*=bourbon, **=pub)

   watching his weight.... go up and up

   says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.