Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.

   This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   Snooki named her baby Lorenzo because she couldn't spell Heineken

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   if you've been married less than a year, stop with all the love and marriage quotes. S hit will eventually hit the fan...

   If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.

   St Patrick's day: A day the Irish celebrate their rich heritage by acting like a bunch of Puerto Ricans.

   Biden's economic policy makes about as much sense as fragrance free perfume...

   If you want to distract from you own crimes, blame something on someone else...and try to impeach.

   Met a lady yesterday...It was love at first sight...Then I took a second look !!

   If you haven't contributed anything to society, then why would you even think twice about destroying it? Especially when there are no consequences.

   .... Isn't it curious that the main stream media has now already spent more time investigating and covering Melania Trump's "Plagiarism" than they have investigating and covering Hillary Clinton's entire "Email Scandal!!!!"

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .

   That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.

   My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.