Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.

   Never get too excited when someone you haven't talked to in a while calls you... they will most likely start with small talk to try and cover up the favor they're about to ask you.

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   ask "What have you done today to prepare for a zombie outbreak."

   I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to call in sick on Monday..

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   tried to sell myself on Craigslist...now I'm "Censored."

   Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?

   Marriage is an institution. You also have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sound like a nuthouse I don't know what does.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   spending time entertaining facebookians by writing funny status's instead of doing work

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   College: Producing the most educated alcoholics since 1892.