Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear automatic paper towel dispenser mechanic, could you please program this nifty devise to dispense more than just enough paper towel to dry my pinky..... Thanks!

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.

   Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.