Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   YOLO. Because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means.

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   wondering why Dora never tells her parents about the fox that keeps stalking her."

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   So how committed are you two, like on a scale of "one" to "sh*tting with the door open?"

   The heat doesn't seem so bad when you think how hot it must be for the cook who just dripped sweat in your lunch.

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   Dear Mother Nature, hey, thanks [sneezes] for choosing POLLEN for plant reproduction....no, really[sneezes]....the stuff is great.....

   Sometimes, the problem is your underwear.

   hi weekend! let me introduce you to my basement..........you're not going anywhere!

   convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.