Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.

   It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".

   What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: __________

   I'm proud to come from a family of work-a-holics.....Everytime someone mentions work, we all get drunk! ツ

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup- somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died

   The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.

   For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?

   Everyday is like Thanksgiving for me... people always give me "The Bird" and tell me to "Stuff It!"

   Whats the differentce between A Jersey girl and a piece of trash? People pick up trash.

   Hey status messages auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

   If you support open borders, then you should be fine with them living in your spare bedroom.

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   How much will the $590 million Powerball winner pay in taxes? The IRS says they won't know until they learn if she's a Republican or a Democrat.

   Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist