Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer extreme follow the leader :)

   would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it! Make your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile :)

   Just killed a spider in kitchen and I'm leaving it there dead on the floor , just so all the rest can see what will happen to them .

   Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   There was no power outage...... Beyonce's ass just got in front of the flood lights

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.